It never ceases to amaze me how people can be. I feel I have been very nice to Ruben through all of this. yesterday finding out that the checking account we shared is now in the negative and he has taken his name off the account and now I am held responsible for it. How nice of him and to find out that he actually did not pay the car insurance after I thanked him for doing so and he agreeing with me so I did not plan for that one. Today I found out that he now has legal representation with legal aid. It suprises me that he qualifies for it with out having the kids with him. I don't know?????? I don't know what his game is, I tired of trying to figure it out. I think the nicey nicey is over. He still doesn't want to pay child support, he thinks that this is all my doing by leaving and I put myself in this position. Hummm! You know he can hord all his money all he wants, I have uncontional love and my heart is free and happy. I go through everyday now knowing that I don't have to be put down by someone. What a great way to live life.....

Jan. 04, 2010

Just finished the two Christmas Vacation from work. I thing everyone was ready to go back to school and work. Ruben and I spent a lot of time reflecting these two weeks. I have come to realize that even though I enjoy spending time with him I enjoy spending and have my time to myself. I have found spending too much time with him brings me down. I heard a saying today and it go, "The moment you stop planning your future is the moment you stop living." I have stopped living for a long time and I am now starting to plan and I feel really good about it. Today at work was a great day. Even though it started out in a fury by waking up late, my day was happy, not tired and very positive. Even though we have tuff day here at my moms, sometimes we ache because of inconvinience of no beds and a little disorganized we love the togetherness. I see the happiness in the kids. Torre seems to be getting a little whiney and missing her dad, but that is expected. We know that deep in our hearts and soul that we have love between all of us.

Today was the being of the 4th week gone from my house. I feel great and stress free. Things are going great at my moms house. Money is still an issue and wonder if Ruben will ever take the initiative to help on a regular basis. He has not yet asked again for visitation with the kids. I did ask him to take them on Friday so I could go to my staff party. I had such a great time. Well I have not much to say, besides we are all fitting in at my moms house.

We had are annual family Christmas party this week end. I felt displaced going with out Ruben. Everything is a first for me. After getting there and visiting with my family things inside seem to be relaxed. Always felt like something was missing and I finally figured out what it was. It was the constant worry that was missing. When I figured that out, I tried to fix it as much as I could. The kids and I had a great time. I saw some old friends, Jeremy got to go hunting for the first time. He thought he was all big and bad because he had a gun. He got to experience the killing and skinning of a wild hog. He said he had lots of fun. Its funny though he says, when he is riding his bike he keeps looking around and thinking a wild hog is after him...lol. What a city boy. At the party I think we all has sad moments because we are missing my Uncle John and my Aunt Betty, which past away this year. They are dearly missed. Came home Sunday and after unpacking the car, I took the kids over to their dad's house. I stayed for a little bit, but low and behold when I started to ask him about the arrangements for Christmas he just went bonkers on me. Telling me that I will eventually be just like his x-wife and so we started to argue and then I left. Well, now to day is Tuesday and we have decided that for Christmas I will come over and they can open there presents at Rubens house. I really hope that goes well.

Well I have 2 1/2 more days until my 2 week break...yeah ! Everyday gets easier, but it does help that we are on talking grounds. And it definitely does help not being involved with someone else. That would take up too much energy and time. I don't need another emotional roller coaster.

I was just on facebook and a friend of mine wrote this:

Nobody can go back and make a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

Is that not just such a powerful statement.

Day # 10

Met with Ruben yesterday and had lunch. The lunch was really good, it was a baked potato with butter, sour cream, cilatro and topped with small chunks of really good meat. Anyway, we had a really good talk and some really good sex too. The best in ages. And then we had a lot more good talking. We talked about our bads and goods. The best part about it was that there was no expectations. I told him I was afraid that these actions would cause him to have false hope between us.

There are so many things I wish I could answer for him as well as me. Why is it that I still care, or is it just habit. It doesn't bother me one bit to leave him and the house. What does that mean? I feel so burdened when I go back to the house. Why? Its like I want him to go this weekend with us out of town, but yet I don't, I feel like I would way too much stress on me having to worry about him. I like doing my own thing without have to tell someone what Im doing where Im going and who Im going to be with. Why does it seem to be so stress free here at my moms house, especially with 7 people living in a 800 square foot home. I don't know, but I need to find out. after all of this talking, I did promise that I would not give up on us so easily but one thing I was not going to do was move back in the house. So here we all are still living at my moms lovely little house.

It is the 8th day since I have left home with my kids. I went to the house yesterday because he said I could come over and get some more of my stuff. So I did. He was very helpful and nice. I could see the pain in his eyes, which hurts me but I guess if there wasn't any pain it would hurt me more. He hugged and kissed me but it was wierd, not comfortable at all. I didn't stay long.

Today, Alex had to go and get dressy clothes for his band concert for tomorrow. I found myself packing a bag of chocolate covered raisens for Ruben to have tonight at work. I was not going to go in because of the akwardness, but Alex waved me to come in after he went in. Small conversation and much akwardness. But at least no fighting.

My worries of all this contact is that he has false hopes of me coming home. I am not going home. Right now I don't even want to work it out, but yet I find it hard for me to really want the divorce either. I do find myself being satisfied with the small time that I have spent and the house and leaving. It is not hard for me to leave.