Early in the morning

I sit here in bed early in the morning, this time not awaken by the touches of my husband but by the accusations of his mouth. We have been together for 19 yrs and still the accusing of cheating on him lies within. Will it ever be over. I don't think so. As I look around me to see what my life has become, it saddens me to know what I settled for. If I knew that I could have the same kids, I would do it all over again. I am grateful for what my life is now! But to settle for no passion, no romance and nothing to look forward to on a daily basis, leaves a whole in my life. I wake up to the harsh word coming from his mouth. I am so mad and hurt all over again. Makes me want to just pack up and leave. But my lack of self confidence convinces me to just stay where I'm at and deal with it. I guess that is my punishment for not thinking more of myself.

I write a little, some are feelings, some are experiences and some are wants. I know he has read my diary and my writings and I try to hide them but I think he goes looking for them. Here is one I wrote:

In Silence of the night, you hear the roaring of the fan,
to feel on my ankle the gentleness of your hand.

Like a feather in the air, you move up my leg with the grace and dare,
with your muscular finger tips your soft with care.

You glide over the calf and to the knee, and as you venture to my thigh
What do you see?

With your finger so gentle you trace her wings,
and stroke her long black hair,
to find its a fairy just sitting there.

You raise her to you to see her more clear
and kiss her dearingly so there is no more fear.